Saturday, November 15, 2008

The woes of dating

I'm going on a date that I'm hesitant about and stumbled upon Samhita's Tuesday Top Ten at Feministing

Ten things I absolutely hate about heteronormative dating
In no particular order.
1. You are expected to dress nice and act a certain way "waiting" to get asked out.
2. You have to play by the rules which generally give men most of the power. (wait till he calls you, don't be too forward, be mysterious-you don't want to scare him off, etc)
3. If you show emotion too early on or too much of it, you are needy.
4. If you don't show enough emotion, you are making the other party insecure forcing them to wield social privilege to silence your daring attempt at independence from self obliteration via coupling.
5. It fetishizes unequal power relations between women. He'll get the tab, he'll get the door as long as he gets the vagina, and that is considered "romance."
6. It makes same sex couples feel "less than."
7. It dictates your interaction in most social settings and social circles, whether you are single or coupled. It is either/or, there is no 3rd identity or in-between.
8. If you have sex too early you ruined it.
9. If you don't have sex early on you are a prude.
10. It is expected to lead to marriage (and if you don't have a ring on your finger you are "on the market.")

Some of you may remember my recent decision to cleanse my aura and put out "available" vibrations. It's getting a bit more serious now as my boss has now several times asked "are you sure you like boys" and seems unconvinced. (Side note: I am a grown ass woman. I know and own my orientation. Just because I am 23 and single does not mean that my entire identity is a cloak of denial. If I liked girls I'd not be dating girls right now, and probably feel the same complacency about it. Whatever.) But here's my addition to the list:

I met a person at a party and told him I was feminist. He looked incredulous and said "why, no one needs feminism anymore." because "I don't descriminate, I'm gender-blind". If you've read my blog, you know. Apparently said guy doesn't get himself told very often and so I find myself with a date.

It is normal in this patriarchal day and age for a woman to base her worth on her ability to pull a date. Fine. I've come to terms. HOWEVER my feminist core has a big deal problem with being fetishized. You think it's "cute" that I talk back? So adorable when I get all feminist-y?

#11. Your entire demeanor is assumed to be in attempts to attract men.

I've got my orientation figured out; that's the problem.

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