Wednesday, June 13, 2007

death, bugs, and bladder control

Simultaneous conversations about my death (and bugs):

Kate Rohdenburg
11:30
i might be dying from a poisonous bug sting

bad44monkey
11:31
well im glad i got to talk to you
its been real

Kate Rohdenburg
11:32
yea - say somethin pretty at my funeral

bad44monkey
11:32
ill sing a nice little song
i've already got one in mind

Kate Rohdenburg
11:32
ok
what one?

bad44monkey
11:33
and im gonna put the little prince on your grave

Kate Rohdenburg
11:33
put it in with me, maybe the worms will learn something

bad44monkey
11:33
im not sure the name one sec
thats beautiful

bad44monkey
11:38
so im pretty sure the songs by better than ezra
called a lifetime

bad44monkey
11:41
but ill change it to "kate woke up 8 am
tuesday
got onto the t
passed out along the way"
and then nate will chime in "from a bug bite"


NP157
11:49
woah woah here, what am I being roped into?


Kate Rohdenburg
11:50
you're singing backup


Kate Rohdenburg
11:44
i was getting a frisbee and a bug flew up my jeans and stung the bejezus out of me
now they're big welts that burn and itch
and i've been nausus and headachy
its classic death-from-poison-insect symptoms

bad44monkey
11:45
now i really am scared
kate i thought we had so much time

Kate Rohdenburg
11:48
don't know what you got til its gone

bad44monkey
11:48
seriously
but you'll probably only lose your leg
ill totally beat you at ddr now

NP157
11:51
triple E is rough shit
hopefully you don't have it
because then I won't have anyone to take me to a pig roast
you could also have west nile virus

Kate Rohdenburg
11:53
it wasn't a mosquito
it hurt like a mofo when it stung me
and it got me a bunch

NP157
11:53
ohh, hmmm
excuse the fear-mongering then
perhaps you could leave mr. bug a passive-agressive note about not stinging you next time

Kate Rohdenburg
11:54
psh, the penalty for stinging me is death.

NP157
11:54
well definitely put me down on backup vocals if you need
but hopefully it doesn't come to that

Kate Rohdenburg
11:57
mkay, i'll inform my next of kin
i'm going to bed
i just hope i wake up tomorrow

NP157
11:58
yeah - well, good luck, give me a shout if you need assistance - I can google things like a mofo
(e.g. Hospital, boston, ma, bug bite)

Kate Rohdenburg
11:59
i just googled NE poisonous bugs
nothing
it must be new

NP157
11:59
maybe it was a south mongolian raptor beetle
i hear they've had a recent shift in their migratory patterns
and are now winding up on the eastern shores of the US

Kate Rohdenburg
12:00
it was long and skinny

NP157
12:01
like any of these (scroll down for pictures)?

NP157
12:02
okay
well best of luck

NP157
12:04
more bugs - might want to save this one for the morning


AND THE FOLLOW-UP THE NEXT DAY:

NP157
9:50
can I get a high-resolution photograph along with blood, seamen, and stool samples?

Kate Rohdenburg
9:50
i don't have SEMEN!

NP157
9:50
no, i am referring to the bug

Kate Rohdenburg
9:50
what if it was a boy

NP157
9:50
if I'm going to determine the species, I need all available data

Kate Rohdenburg
9:50
i mean a girl

NP157
9:50
kate, I think we need to have a talk

Kate Rohdenburg
9:50
wait
who has semen?

NP157
9:50
about the birds and the bees
boy bugs have seamen, girl bugs do not

Kate Rohdenburg
9:51
its not sea-men, those are in the navy

NP157
9:51
oh, yeah, my mistake

**************************

I was late to class this afternoon because I ate a chocolate bar that my dad bought me at Big Lots. It was called a GooGoo and had peanut butter and peanuts. Despite the name, it was delicious, and I made sure that no one passing by could read the label. One of the peanuts lodged itself in my throat about half way to class and I couldn't help coughing. That little cough that tries to be polite and really only makes you have to cough more. I couldn't cough more because the preliminary coughs had brought me dangerously close to peeing my pants. The more I tried to hold both pee and cough in, the more urgently I had to do both and I had to stop in Shillman on my way to Behrakis in order to cough while over a toilet to avoid catastrophic leaking.

While we're on the topic, I also can not laugh and hold in pee, jump on a trampoline and hold in pee, or sneeze and hold in pee.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You think it's bad now, wait till u have kids. (things they don't tell ya')

Nate said...

this is by far your best blog post ever. by the way, the 3 of us are hilarious.

Kate's Dad said...

Dudette: While I'm gratified that you have not passed from this vale of tears and crossed the river Styx on account of a bug, I am concerned about this alleged education you are receiving at a not inexpensive college.

The hollow, elastic organ in your pelvis is a "bladder". If you didn't have one between your kidneys and your urethra, you'd leave snail tracks everywhere you went, not just when you sneezed.

"Blatter" is a verb meaning to babble senselessly.

I'll use them both in a sentence for you: "Well-bred young ladies SHOULD NOT BLATTER ABOUT BLADDERS ON BLOGS."

Where did I go wrong?